In less than 3 months here, my shortcomings have been exposed, unravelling in front of me as I lock myself in the bathroom crying over my 86% test score. I refused to face them before because I could run and hide from them by living within the comfortable parameters of my life back home in Melbourne. But for some reason, I can’t do that here. I think it’s because for the first time in my life- I have really pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
I used to live in a bubble that was self congratulatory. I did things I knew was well within my means and then pat myself on the back for achieving them. Now that bubble has popped and I’m free floating in a space of limitless possibility.
I now have no option but to explore the better person I could be, because my very survival in Sudan depends on it. But in order to do that, I have to let go of my insecurities. I’m scared because I’ve grown so accustomed to them. I carry them around like a infant attached to its dummy.
But I am crippled by them. I’m too self-conscious of what people think of me. I overthink everything. I hate to be wrong. What’s even worse is not being perfect.
I know that if I continue being this way then I will never learn Arabic. I’ll never have the confidence I need to steer my business into new territory. And I’ll never love and accept my self wholly.
I’m at a crossroads in my life. How I deal with my day to day struggles for the next 12 months will determine how far I can reach into this realm of limitless possibility.
Sharing this with you all is out of my comfort zone. But I need to get used to being uncomfortable.
I need to embrace how vulnerable I feel in order to accept myself as a flawed, messy and complex being.
So I’m going to start speaking Arabic with the locals even if stumble on my words and make a fool of myself. I’m going to give my business 110% despite not knowing if it’ll be successful or not. I’m going to be authentic and genuine with people, even if it means losing some along the way.
I’m going to make more mistakes and get used to failing. And I’m scared. But I’m going to do it anyway.
Because I deserve to live my best life.
xx your sis Nis